Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I Haired it Through the Grapevine

So what's the big deal about hair?

Strictly speaking as mammals we essentially have it all over our bodies, well except that reptile sitting next to Regis. Oh sorry, Nan....we promised we weren't going to talk about her anymore. It creeps into our vocabulary in other ways. The hair of the dog that bit you. Now for a teetotaler like me, it means that which you constantly pluck out of your luscious new emerald green cashmere sweater bought on at an incredible price at Macy's this weekend. But for the rest of you lushes, it means drinking something in the morning to get over a hangover. The hair of the dog that bit you? If you have to do that too many times, maybe you need to have the dog neutered.

There's a hairpin turn and a hairy situation. It's a hairy situation when Clay Aiken does his own hair. There's angel hair pasta which is too thin for me and is like eating air. Give me a hearty gnocchi that sits in your stomach for hours any time. Every time I order gnocchi in a restaurant, I complain it looks like a too small of a portion and then I moan and groan to try and finish. Maybe eating a loaf of Italian bread with it isn't such a good idea. Now that is not as hairbrained an idea as making a great singer of pop abandon his second mainstream album with original material in favor of one of love song covers but then again, the person who mandated that doesn't have any hair. It must have shriveled inside his brain cells during the botox injections.

Clay Aiken makes news with his hair. First there was the really bad hair of the AI2 audition. I'm not even sure what color that was supposed to be, I don't think it exists in nature. But it got better over the season and pretty soon he was known for the spikes. The spikes were OK but when they got too long, fans coined various phrases for it. Rooster Hair, Statue of Liberty Hair, Aruba Hair (don't ask, something about high winds and tequila shots).

Then there was hair that could stand up to no explanation. The first one that comes to mind is the infamous Worcester, MA concert for the Independent Tour where he came out after Kelly Clarkson's set to do a duet with her. I was at that concert and a friend and I turned to each other at the same time and said WHAT is up with his hair? Well, his hair was what was up.

It seemed he had a chair massage backstage during her set and no one told him to fix his hair. He looked like he just saw a herd of cats carrying mocha chocolate mint ice cream laced with walnuts. Or that Kelly Ripa finally apologized for being such a....OK, OK, Nan. Stop hitting me.

Clay's hair actually has days where it gets named. There is the Charlotte NAT hair of perfection.

There is the Joyful Noise 2004 tourbook fauxhawk which was another Huh? Moment. For the sake of children and small animals, we won't scare you with that here. I think it looked much better during the actual concerts but I was too focused on the black pants of ass cuppage to notice hair. I would insert a picture of them here but every time I open up the file, I get distracted.

In the wonderful Jukebox Tour of 2005, Clay cut his hair very short, which became known as JBT hair. This was probably out of convenience as the show was 2.5 hours long and he played a lot of outdoor venues in hot locations. Otherwise, it would have been really sweaty...damp, curling around the base of his neck kind of sweaty......OK, who's brilliant idea was that to keep his hair short?!

In his Joyful Noise 2005 tour, which was based on a play he wrote reminiscent of It's a Wonderful Life, his spikey hair was blonder. He played an angel so I think they were going for that other worldy glow. Priiiiiing!

In May of 2006 during the AI5 finale, Clay surprised the world by abandoning the spikes for a very dark, straight shag. Discussion of his hair consumed the entertainment shows for days. The last time someone made so much news for their hair was Lady Godiva? Or maybe when Rapunzel decided to become a red head.

The “promotion run” for Clay's album A Thousand Different Ways brought us the highlighted shag. The color was gorgeous and it rocked on stage. He looked great but we were wondering if he would keep it.....I liked it but sometimes it didn't quite look like he did.

And then....the hair apparent.

Clay let it grow and grow. It went through that growing out stage but now it just fits him. He can run his hands through it and let us live through that vicariously. He looks like Clay but a more mature, grown up, worldy Clay that has been through the wringer but is more than ready to take on the next phase of his career. I hope it is with a record label exec who has hair as well as brains. And a pulse.

Probably the most famous industry related Hair gave us the Age of Aquarius.
I always thought that movie was less about hair and more about drugs. And skipping through the park. Probably to find more drugs. It isn't the age of Aquarius anymore but Jupiter is in Sagittarius. Jupiter is the lucky planet, Sagittarius is Clay's birth sign. I hope this means he'll be Hair, There and Everywhere in 2007.

Clay's special holiday performances with Symphonies begins on Friday. Hair we come a caroling. I'm glad that there are shows close to home so that I can drive because the hairfare is ridiculous this time of year.

Rock on dude!

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Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I just found your blog via a Goggle alert, and I'm so glad I did! You are hilarious!! I think I know who you are, too! ;)

Vox Vixen said...


Thanks for the memories.

I've lurved Clay's hair since he got rid of the spikes. Spikes made him to much a chariature, and too easy to mock. His long hair is much more mature. RAWR. I hope he keeps it for a while.

Shadylil said...

Too funny! Great job!

Anonymous said...

Wow! That was a funny Clay hair recap!I love the long hair. He looks debonaire, mature and really
sexy. Either way he wears his hair long or short is just great. I just hope he does not run out of hairstyles and decides to shave it.
Imagine the buzz it will create!

touchstone2 said...

Oh, snap!
Love the snark, love the attitude, and .... love Clay's hair!

I actually have a draft saved about the hair...but then the Ripa happened.

I just may have to link to you again! Thanks for the smiles AND the memories!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha and so true ..... love the hair of Clay !!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! The piece about the "chair massage" hair had me laughing until I coughed up a hairball!!! rotflmao (Oh, and the "pants of ass cupage" comment had me ? Well, I suppose that is best left untyped (blushing now)! Great blog!!