I Haired it Through the Grapevine

So what's the big deal about hair?

Strictly speaking as mammals we essentially have it all over our bodies, well except that reptile sitting next to Regis. Oh sorry, Nan....we promised we weren't going to talk about her anymore. It creeps into our vocabulary in other ways. The hair of the dog that bit you. Now for a teetotaler like me, it means that which you constantly pluck out of your luscious new emerald green cashmere sweater bought on at an incredible price at Macy's this weekend. But for the rest of you lushes, it means drinking something in the morning to get over a hangover. The hair of the dog that bit you? If you have to do that too many times, maybe you need to have the dog neutered.

There's a hairpin turn and a hairy situation. It's a hairy situation when Clay Aiken does his own hair. There's angel hair pasta which is too thin for me and is like eating air. Give me a hearty gnocchi that sits in your stomach for hours any time. Every time I order gnocchi in a restaurant, I complain it looks like a too small of a portion and then I moan and groan to try and finish. Maybe eating a loaf of Italian bread with it isn't such a good idea. Now that is not as hairbrained an idea as making a great singer of pop abandon his second mainstream album with original material in favor of one of love song covers but then again, the person who mandated that doesn't have any hair. It must have shriveled inside his brain cells during the botox injections.

Clay Aiken makes news with his hair. First there was the really bad hair of the AI2 audition. I'm not even sure what color that was supposed to be, I don't think it exists in nature. But it got better over the season and pretty soon he was known for the spikes. The spikes were OK but when they got too long, fans coined various phrases for it. Rooster Hair, Statue of Liberty Hair, Aruba Hair (don't ask, something about high winds and tequila shots).

Then there was hair that could stand up to no explanation. The first one that comes to mind is the infamous Worcester, MA concert for the Independent Tour where he came out after Kelly Clarkson's set to do a duet with her. I was at that concert and a friend and I turned to each other at the same time and said WHAT is up with his hair? Well, his hair was what was up.



It seemed he had a chair massage backstage during her set and no one told him to fix his hair. He looked like he just saw a herd of cats carrying mocha chocolate mint ice cream laced with walnuts. Or that Kelly Ripa finally apologized for being such a....OK, OK, Nan. Stop hitting me.

Clay's hair actually has days where it gets named. There is the Charlotte NAT hair of perfection.

There is the Joyful Noise 2004 tourbook fauxhawk which was another Huh? Moment. For the sake of children and small animals, we won't scare you with that here. I think it looked much better during the actual concerts but I was too focused on the black pants of ass cuppage to notice hair. I would insert a picture of them here but every time I open up the file, I get distracted.

In the wonderful Jukebox Tour of 2005, Clay cut his hair very short, which became known as JBT hair. This was probably out of convenience as the show was 2.5 hours long and he played a lot of outdoor venues in hot locations. Otherwise, it would have been really sweaty...damp, curling around the base of his neck kind of sweaty......OK, who's brilliant idea was that to keep his hair short?!


In his Joyful Noise 2005 tour, which was based on a play he wrote reminiscent of It's a Wonderful Life, his spikey hair was blonder. He played an angel so I think they were going for that other worldy glow. Priiiiiing!

In May of 2006 during the AI5 finale, Clay surprised the world by abandoning the spikes for a very dark, straight shag. Discussion of his hair consumed the entertainment shows for days. The last time someone made so much news for their hair was Lady Godiva? Or maybe when Rapunzel decided to become a red head.

The “promotion run” for Clay's album A Thousand Different Ways brought us the highlighted shag. The color was gorgeous and it rocked on stage. He looked great but we were wondering if he would keep it.....I liked it but sometimes it didn't quite look like he did.

And then....the hair apparent.

Clay let it grow and grow. It went through that growing out stage but now it just fits him. He can run his hands through it and let us live through that vicariously. He looks like Clay but a more mature, grown up, worldy Clay that has been through the wringer but is more than ready to take on the next phase of his career. I hope it is with a record label exec who has hair as well as brains. And a pulse.



Probably the most famous industry related Hair gave us the Age of Aquarius.
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I always thought that movie was less about hair and more about drugs. And skipping through the park. Probably to find more drugs. It isn't the age of Aquarius anymore but Jupiter is in Sagittarius. Jupiter is the lucky planet, Sagittarius is Clay's birth sign. I hope this means he'll be Hair, There and Everywhere in 2007.

Clay's special holiday performances with Symphonies begins on Friday. Hair we come a caroling. I'm glad that there are shows close to home so that I can drive because the hairfare is ridiculous this time of year.




Rock on dude!

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Giving Thanks: Clay Aiken's Hands

The dinner is over. The food has been put away. The house is quiet again.

My life has returned to its state of everyday chaos.

Today I have given thanks for my maddening, loving and supportive family and my quirky, interesting friends.

I’ve said a prayer of thanksgiving for my life and my health, for the many blessings I have received and for my country, even as we strive to make it “a more perfect union.”

I try to show gratitude every day: for the people who inspire me, in the work that challenges me and through the faith that uplifts my soul.

And as I run through my list of blessings, one more thing comes to mind.

I am so very thankful for Clay Aiken’s hands.

It is now nearly four years since Clay was first seen on television and, as he sung "Always and Forever", he moved his hands to underscore the words. First (and always) I was thankful for Clay’s voice, but I'm glad for all the times when he uses his hands and I catch a glimpse of the aspects of his personality.

As I considered four years of memories, again and again I remembered images of Clay’s marvelously expressive hands.

Just six months after Clay hit the national stage, he was featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. His "sinner and saint" pose included a windblown shirt and a hand crowned with a WWJD bracelet, a reminder of his faith while he was far from home.


In September, Clive Davis, the head of RCA Records, placed a plaque in Clay’s hands, representing two million albums shipped for Clay's debut album Measure of a Man.



A few weeks later, Clay’s hands reached out to accept the Fans Choice Award at the American Music Awards.



There is another side to this story.

Clay’s hands have been in some dark, dirty, dangerous places.

His hands have offered comfort in war-torn Northern Uganda, where children walk away from their homes each night to safe haven in the city, escaping the danger of kidnap or death at the hands of the rebels who lurk in the darkness.



Clay’s hands have gotten dirty, planting trees with Best Buddies, painting with school kids on Youth Service Day and playing games with children of all abilities at the inclusive summer camps organized by his Bubel/Aiken Foundation.



And on a beach in Banda Aceh, Indonesia, just a few feet from an ocean that swallowed a quarter million people, Clay used his hands to play and sing with children who lost their families, their homes and their schools.



Some of my favorite times of seeing Clay use his hands are when he uses them in song.

Songs where he expresses tenderness.



Songs where he expresses faith.



Songs when he rocks out, with three rings on his hands.



So what happened when Clay was interviewed by Tyra Banks, a woman as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside?

Clay talked about music and home and soul food, and he made Tyra laugh. He turned the tables and interviewed her and he listened with real interest. He sang "A Thousand Days" from his new album A Thousand Different Ways. And used his hands playfully and flirtatiously, and had a good deal of fun.



Clay shouldn’t be blamed for getting a little touchy feely.

After all, Tyra started it.



Lord knows Clay is not perfect --- no, not even close --- but he certainly makes an effort to make a difference, through his music and his life. On Thanksgiving Day and always, I am grateful that Clay Aiken has used his hands to reach out and touch the world, with joy, with love, with humor and with unmatched artistry.

Hmm… maybe that’s why he won’t sing “Touch.”’

Knowing that some things are better experienced than described, he probably thinks it would be redundant.

Thanks to galrow and Invisible926 for their photographs, and to Fountaindawg for the inspiration for this blog.

###

Please check out Kelly Ripa...you're a foolish foolish woman for a first-hand account of the real Clay during the Regis & Kelly taping.

Technorati tags: Clay Aiken, Thanksgiving, Rolling Stone, Measure of a Man, Fans Choice Award, American Music Awards, Uganda, Bubel/Aiken Foundation, inclusion, UNICEF, Banda Aceh, Indonesia, Best Buddies, YMCA, Tyra Banks, Pop Music, A Thousand Days, A Thousand Different Ways

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Kelly Hipa-Crite

So much material. So little time to read. We are breaking the blog up to make it easier to manuever through the hypocrisy. To view Part I and see the clips -- click Kelly Ripa Gets Upstaged -- and sucks her thumb.

It seems The Insider entertainment program was backstage after Friday's taping. They asked Clay Aiken what he thought of the show. Here's the clip.



Hmmm, I ask again...who was unprofessional through this whole thing?

Another few things worthy of note. When Kelly Ripa first mentioned Clay's name yesterday, it was met with huge cheers in an audience that was not filled with Clay fans. Her rant was met with dead silence.

On Tuesday's show, her entrance was not met with much applause and not.one.word. of Monday's incident was mentioned. Methinks Kelly's ego bubble got a huge pin prick after viewer response yesterday. I wonder if her publicist did a little google searching. Waves.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, Ripa (who must have locked her publicist in the bathroom) called into The View after Rosie O'Donnell talked about the event. Rosie was trying to say that Ripa thinks Clay Aiken is gay and so that explained her reaction. For the record, Rosie did not "out" Clay. He has said he is straight when he chose to address the issue in the past and recently said he is tired of fighting the fight and will not address it anymore since people will believe what they want to believe. Rosie believed Ripa thinks Clay is gay and that her reaction reflected that. Ripa acted like a banshee at that point.

Her excuse for her reaction was that it was cold and flu season. Oh please. Did your publicist come up with that lame "My dog ate my homework" reason once you saw the backlash in Monday's emails?

I guess she forgot the day germ freak Howie Mandel was on the show and showed her this gadget he uses to open doors because he's afraid of germs and she LICKED it.


Oh and Kelly. If it is cold and flu season, I guess Regis will be calling in sick. Hypocrite much?

If Mario had put any body parts over your mouth, you would have opened your mouth wider than a person having their teeth cleaned. Your excuse is so lame you completely overlook the fact that Clay used his left hand and he doesn't shake hands with that one. But logic wasn't playing a part in your tirade was it?

She claims Clay Aiken didn't thank her for the show. Um Kelly, see the last Youtube clip in this blog from The Insider.

Just how often are you going to make claims that can be refuted with actual on camera proof?

The media will have a field day spinning this as a Ripa/Rosie feud or as a Ripa/Clay feud. The truth is a funny guy went on a morning talk show known for its sharp banter back and forth between cohosts and played the role perfectly. He made a minor faux pas in an attempt to be funny and apologized. Ripa was ungracious to her guest cohost, ungracious to the winners of Dancing with the Stars and missed at least one if not two cues to a commercial that Clay picked up for her. She then chose for God knows what reason to make much ado about nothing. The question is why? Ratings? It is sweeps week. I can't believe she'd act like such a shrew for so long just for that but then again, when you over estimate a your popularity, that's what happens.

Do you think Kelly was thinking "This picture is being taken in February and in 9 months Clay will do this to me and I will make a BIG DEAL about it being bad." Ummm, Kelly . . . Hipo-Crite much?

Yesterday we wrote: My dream scenario? Clay puts his hand over the mouth of his copresenter tonight on the American Music Awards. Well they did even better!


Even Jimmy Kimmel, Tori Spelling and the American Music Award writers recognize this is a sitution worthy of mockery.


Can't get enough of the Ripa Hipa-Crite? Visit Kelly Ripa - A Coward By Any Other Name and Hands To Mouths. . . Across America

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Kelly Ripa gets upstaged...and sucks her thumb

They say a critic's comments tell more about them than the person they are criticizing. I have never believed that more than today.

This morning on Live with Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa tore into Clay Aiken for being hostile to her when he cohosted the show on Friday, November 17th. This was astonishing on so many levels, some Clay specific and some not. I have three main comments for her.

What host with any class rips into a previous guest on her show, especially when there was no bad press about it or any serious altercation to begin with? The answer has something to do with ego and an exaggerated sense of self worth.

I find it extremely hypocritical of her to say Clay wouldn't have put his hand over a man's mouth (implying he did it to her because she's a female) and then says Howard Stern (the bastion of women's rights) agrees with her.

The show (especially the first 20 minutes) was tremendously funny. Clay is a very snarky guy and they actually played off each other with each getting digs in that were witty and made the time fly. It was good TV. Here judge for yourself (it's in two parts).





Also, they did not show the full Halloween impersonation that she thought was so funny. In the full Halloween skit, she was crass and inappropriate. I doubt that Clay found the entire skit to be very funny.

I'd heard that she is very self-absorbed but after that opening, I actually thought the show was going very well and they were both good sports. I do think her pre-conceived notion of Clay was way off and she was expecting the pre-conceived notion she had of Clay in her impersonation. We saw the Clay Aiken that we know with the quick, sharp wit. She met her match and then some.

In the next segment, they were supposed to interview Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) winners, Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke. Ripa is a huge Mario Lopez fan and made that known from the beginning. During the actual interview with Smith and Burke, she asked question after question, clearly cutting Clay out with both her words and her body language. I remember thinking "Is she punishing him for stealing the show from her in the opening? Nah, even though full of herself, she wouldn’t be that obvious and unprofessional." Clay tried to play along with it and then made what was intended to be a snarky gesture of covering her mouth with his hand. I thought "Oops, Clay.. Rookie mistake." He could get away with something like that with Jimmy Kimmel but not with Miss it's all about meeeee. She was pissed as you can see from this clip.



Clay goofed and he knew it and her reaction was unprofessional (although she took that to a new level today) and I thought she knew it too. I mean, she's an "actress"-cover up your annoyance. Overall, she made no attempt to guide him as you would do with a guest co-host. She tried to insert her authority because the show had become too much of the Clay with Kelly Ripa show prior to that.

Clay wants a talk show so I'm sure he would have appreciated some honest feedback on what he did right and what he did wrong. Some private, constructive criticism would have been welcome and taken to heart. He was the one who probably brought it up to her at the break.

One thing Clay could learn from Ripa is how to be totally classless to your guests. Her line of questioning to DWTS runner-up Mario Lopez made it clear that she thought he should have won.



The thing is, Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke may have still been in the studio, watching backstage. I couldn't help but feel badly for them and I have no personal investment in that show or in their success.

Did Kelly Ripa see some little kid throw a classic pre-school temper tantrum this weekend complete with foot stomping and screaming Mine, Mine, Mine after someone took their toy? It must have inspired her because that is what her behavior seemed like to me today. Clay Aiken took her toy by stealing her show out from under her on Friday. He made it a better show and he did it at her expense. She could have seen that and appreciated it and worked with him to make it even better.

I'm not objective when it comes to Clay, I know that. But slamming a co-host who made one rookie mistake in an otherwise highly entertaining program lacks class, plain and simple. There was one unprofessional person on Friday's show, and it wasn't Clay Aiken.

Here's the thing, Kelly Ripa. If Friday was a first audition for both of you, you'd be crawling on your hands and knees back to the set of All My Children, begging them to take you back.

But thanks for the publicity. You just made a whole lot of people interested in seeing Friday's show to see why you are pouting like a baby who lost her pacifier. I'm guessing 75% will watch it feeling that it was good TV and wondering what the hell you are whining about.

For part II - see Kelly Hipa-Crite
________________________________________

For additional perspectives check out Well Shut My Mouth and Call Me Kelly Ripa

So What About That Kelly Ripa-Clay Aiken Hullabaloo?

Making A Mountain Out Of A Molehill

Kelly Ripa Goes Off (The Deep End)

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Make 'em Laugh, Make 'em Laugh

They say that laughter is the best medicine, right? It reduces blood pressure, stress hormones and releases endorphins. Music can have the same impact for people.

I've always admired people with a natural sense of humor. My brother-in-law (who looks like a younger Tom Bergeron) is very funny, which helped him a lot in his career in sales. There is manic funny like Robin Williams, comfortable funny like Bill Cosby in his heyday and dry humor like the VP of Human Resources at my previous company. The people who can be funny naturally even though that isn't the main part of their entertainment focus are the ones I am drawn to. Donald O'Connor could act and dance and sing, yet he found a way to do it with great humor. It set him apart from the leading man types that he always worked with. What he did was a lot harder, in my opinion.

They say acting in comedies is a lot harder than acting in dramas. “Funny” is a personal thing, so what is one person's knee slapper is another person's “I don't get it.” I think you need a Y chromosome to appreciate The Three Stooges. I'm most impressed with good improv. We saw a touring company of Second City around here this year and 80% of the show was scripted and then they played off audience suggestions for the rest. To me that took great comedy writing, incredible concentration and really good instincts. My husband commented that everyone should get 90 minutes of pure laughter like that once a day. I often get that for 90 seconds each morning when he holds up what he thinks is a color coordinated outfit for my approval.

I'd forgotten how funny Michael J. Fox is until I saw him a year or so ago on Inside the Actor's Studio. He's got this baby face which surprises some people when they hear a rather bawdy sense of humor. Political humor is perhaps my favorite topic and he has managed to take a very serious issue and find the humor in it as well, especially after some people couldn't resist shooting from the hip as an automatic reflex. I guess that happens when your brain is disconnected from your mouth. Oh wait, this isn't a political blog...sorry!

For me, Clay's humor combines a lot of these elements. He has incredible instincts and in concert plays off any funny moments that might crop up. In his Jukebox Tour concerts in 2005, he did a bit just during a Motown Medley where he found a guy who had been dragged there by his wife or girlfriend and went out in the audience and bantered. Each night was different and each night was funny. Here's some highlights:



Clay's humor is very snarky and so some people don't quite get it at first. What amazes me about him on talk shows is that he is quick to pick up something the host says and run with it. He can completely take over his time with Leno or Kimmel as witnessed here in the numerous times they have invited him for “couch time”, which is rather unusual for the musical guest. It's fun to watch older clips and see his maturity in both age and in his comedic timing,which was always quite good but now is as good as many seasoned entertainers. He's a storyteller.

These two clips are broken into the years 2003/2004 and 2005/2006.





In concert, he plays off whatever is happening at the time. Many say he reminds them of a young Johnny Carson.





People ask me why I go to so many concerts. They get that he's a great singer. But I tell them that the humor in the concerts is so much a part of it as well that no two shows are a like. I hope that never changes. Music and laughter-yeah, by the end of the night I've got endorphins spilling out of my ears.

To catch Clay in concert, he will be singing with symphonies in the Northeast and midwest in December.

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What the Heck is a "Climmel?"

About 18 months ago, during a bout of insomnia brought about by late night construction work (and a very loud jackhammer) under my bedroom window, I happened to catch the Clay insult du jour on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Suddenly, the impulse to write a “revenge” skit came upon me.

Now, I had never written a skit before, but had long admired the wonderful writers in the Clay thread at Television Without Pity and later at the Clack House, where I post most of the time. Thus inspired (and sleepy, I suppose), my first two-parter flowed surprisingly easily. Then I recalled the hilarious “Reunited” promo Clay filmed with Jimmy Kimmel for the American Music Awards. . .



. . .and inspiration struck again -- my friend huskerfalcon and I thought the two of them might make a great modern “Odd Couple.” That one became a multi-part series.

Since then, I’ve heard Clay’s and Kimmel’s voices in my head often -- sometimes at very inconvenient moments -- to which what I laughingly call “my body of work” (or, the “Climmels”) can attest. Do I think they’re really friends? Well, Jimmy, who initially made fun of Clay (this stopped once he actually MET him), has had him on as a guest several times, and they always have great chemistry. He has called Clay “my best friend” on his show at least once. I’d love to believe he means it. It would make me very happy to think that Clay has a friend like Jimmy in the industry.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of fun with these, and hopefully, they’ve been a nice diversion during some difficult times in the fandom.

Here’s the first Odd Couple skit. If you’d like to read more (WARNING: there are a LOT more!), you can find them here.

(Oh, and a quick disclaimer about the use of Clay's dialect: I've always thought his Southern accent contributed greatly to his charm. I've written it down exactly as it sounds to my Midwestern ears. Not casting any aspersions on Southerners, I promise!)

CLAY AND KIMMEL, OR THE ODD COUPLE REINVENTED

Sonorous male voiceover:

“On April 12, pop superstar Clay Aiken was forced to remove himself from his place of residence. An earthquake had struck, requiring extensive renovations. But Clay knew that someday he would return. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his newfound friend, late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. Sometime earlier, Kimmel had moved into a swanky bachelor pad. Can two single men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?"

(Cue theme from “The Odd Couple”)

Place: Kimmel’s bachelor pad. The living room looks like a bomb hit it. An agitated Kimmel stands in the middle of it, arms folded, holding a scorched roasting pan with a flowered, quilted oven mitt. He’s wearing an apron and looks bewildered.

Kimmel (looking around): Where the hell is that voice coming from? (he shrugs)

(Clay saunters in through the front door, humming to himself.)

Kimmel (glowering): You’re late.

Clay: Well, Ah was recordin’ and we jest kept havin’ ta—

Kimmel (coldly): I made dinner. The London Broil is ruined. Ruined!

Clay: Hey, Ah’m sorry. (pause) What the heck’s London Broil?

Kimmel (gesturing to the scorched pan): Well, this particular London Broil is burned to a crisp. And for your information, it’s beef. Or it was, a couple of hours ago.

(Cue laugh track. Clay and Kimmel look around warily.)

Clay (whispering): There’s that weird laughin’ again. (they both shrug) Well, Jimmy, it was awful nice o’ you ta make me dinner, but you shouldn’t have – Ah’ll jest have a Hot Pocket.

Kimmel (shuddering): I can’t believe you actually eat those things. (picks up crumpled empty bag from floor) And news flash: the last time I checked, Cheetos are not a vegetable. Any more than tomatoes are a fruit.

Clay: But tomatoes are a fruit.

Kimmel: Sure, Clay – and I’ll have some of what you’ve been smoking.

Clay: But they--oh…never mind. Anyway, Cheetos have protein. Don’t they? Ah mean, thay’re cheese--

Kimmel: “Processed cheez product” is not exactly cheese. Or nutritious. You need to ingest something green once in a while, man. And Green River doesn’t count.

Clay: Hey, that’s not rilly fair. You know Ah had some lime Jello last week.

Kimmel (big eyeroll): Well, whatever. Clay. Dude. We need to talk.

Clay (cheerfully tossing duffle bag, laptop, paper bag and large bottle of Sprite onto the carpet): Shore, Jimmy. What’s up?

Kimmel (pointing indignantly): Tell me, what color is that couch?

(Clay studies it, covered with dirty clothes and dishes, fanmail -- some of it with women’s panties spilling out and one with a Depends partially visible -- old newspapers and magazines, Cheeto crumbs and a mostly empty pizza box of several days vintage.)

Clay: Um, lemme guess…green?

Kimmel: Fabric or leather?

Clay: Um…fabric?

Kimmel: It’s leather. Brown leather. I bet you couldn’t identify that couch in a police lineup. Now either we’ve been ransacked – a possibility I wouldn’t rule out – or you need to start picking up after yourself. I mean, in two weeks I don’t even recognize the place. (leans over and picks up the Depends) What’s this? A diaper? Man, that’s pervy – even for you, ya big slob. (picks up a wad of papers) And this? Somebody’s sending you a religious tract? A really looong religious tract?

Clay (grabbing the Depends from him and starting to straighten up): No! Talk about pervy – that’s from one o’ mah more mature fans. An’ that’s an epic poem. Although Ah cain’t seemta make it through the first page. (shudders) An’ yeah, okay, Ah’m rilly sorry. Ah guess Ah got useta havin’ mah roommates or mah mom clean up after me.

Kimmel: Well, nobody’s going to. The housekeeper quit. After she scarfed a bunch of my sedatives. And least I think she quit – I was having a little trouble understanding her. And while you’re cleaning up, would you mind looking in the fridge and telling me which of those milk bottles I can throw out?

Clay (protectively): Don’t choo tetch mah milk bottles!

Kimmel: For crying out loud, Clay, some of them are getting ready to stage a revolt. Do you just rearrange them, or do you actually smell them once in a while? I guess not, or you’d be passed out on the kitchen floor. Oh, and speaking of horrible smells and green stuff, some of those science experiments in the back of the fridge need to go, now.

Clay: Ah don’t know, Jimmy – that Cherry Yum Yum mah mom brought might still be good. An’ Ah might need some o' that other stuff.

Kimmel: For what – to start a salmonella epidemic? And your mom brought that Cherry Whatever when you came over for Christmas dinner – it’s April now, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Clay (testily): Well, if you do git salmonella poisoning, Ah’m shore you’ve got plenty of drugs to treat it with. Who alphabetizes their medicine cabinet? Only a hypochondriac, that’s who. An’ Ah think you need ta talk to somebody about yore “relationship” with that vacuum cleaner. Yore practically pickin’ out a china pattern. You wouldn’t let the cleanin’ lady tetch her—Ah mean, it. Ah bet that pore lady quit ‘coss she was sick o’ cleanin’ the carpet with a pair o’ tweezers an’ a toothbrush. An’ Ah gotta say those typed labels on the kitchen cabinets are rilly…weird.

Kimmel (defensively, surreptitiously popping Tums from a small bottle in his pants pocket): Don’t you say anything against Doris—I mean, (sotto voce) my vacuum cleaner. I just like to know where everything is. And considering that everything is covered in dirty clothes, unopened fan mail and half-empty Sprite cans, there’s not much hope of that.

Clay (ingratiatingly): Aww, Jimmy – yore jest up-set ‘coss Ah messed up yore perfect piles o’ magazines on the coffee table.

Kimmel: At this point, I’d settle for being able to find the coffee table.

Clay: C’mon, Jimmy, lighten up. Ah’ll be neater, Ah promise – startin’ right now.

Kimmel: Well, I hope so – I sure don’t see how it could get any worse…

(The doorbell rings. Clay walks over to open the door. Kimberley Locke is standing there, holding Raleigh and a huge bag of her toys.)

Clay (delighted): Kim! An’ mah Raleigh girl! (Raleigh wags her little tail in excitement, making cute little yipping noises and licking Clay’s face frantically as he takes her from Kim.)

Kim: I’m so sorry, Clay – I know I said I’d keep her for a while, but Don started having an allergic reaction and I just can’t anymore. I’m really sorry.

Clay (wrestling with Raleigh): Aww, Kim, that’s all right. Ah ‘preciate ya givin’ it a try. Ah’m sure it’ll be jest fine if she bunks here with me…right, Jimmy?

(Kim, Clay and Raleigh all turn to Kimmel inquiringly. Kimmel looks straight out at the audience in horror, hands on face, ala Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” Or Macauley Culkin in “Home Alone.” Take your pick.)

Kimmel: Oh, nooooooooo…

(The lights dim as we hear Raleigh start to growl ominously at Kimmel)

(Cue audience laugh track and applause)

TO BE CONTINUED

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