Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Paint Your Wagon and Fill it with Platinum Albums

I’m a huge movie buff. I think I was probably one of Netflix’ first customers. I even suggested that it would benefit their East Coast customers by not having to return the movies to California and within a month, there was a Massachusetts based warehouse. I’d like to take credit for that!

I love pretty much all kinds of movies except the deliberately gory kind and the stupid it’s all boobs and car crash kind. I love scary movies if they aren’t gory (Poltergeist) and even movies with a little gore if they are well done (Jaws). I think my favorite movies of all time are probably A Beautiful Mind, Life is Beautiful, An Affair to Remember and The American President (yes I can recite his last speech at the podium word for word). There are a few movies that aren’t “classics” but I will stop and watch them no matter if I turn the channel and it’s only been on for five minutes or if it just has five minutes left. SecondHand Lions is one of those movies.

When I was a kid, my parents used to load us up into the station wagon with our own popped popcorn and take us to the drive in. They figured we would watch the first movie and then fall asleep so that they could watch the second movie. One year they wanted us to see Paint Your Wagon but for some reason, it was the second movie. They told us to take a nap and they would wake us when Paint Your Wagon came on. (They loved musicals and always bought the soundtracks.) And yes Clint Eastwood actually sings in this movie.

(Little did they know my younger brother stayed up to watch the first movie which was Love Story. He got an eyeful for his trouble.)

I’ll still get chills when I hear the opening men’s wagon train chorus sing in baritone “Got a Dream Boy? Got a song? Paint your Wagon and come along!!”

I have dreams of Clay in the movies. Yeah, I’d like to see him sing another song in the movies (like he did for the Aladdin DVD when he sang the lost song Proud of Your Boy) and I’d like to see him do a voiceover. But I would really, really love for him to have a small but successful career in the movies in the way that Jon Bon Jovi and Harry Connick, Jr. started.

Someone had posted a photoshop with Clay in western gear on the set of that HBO western series, Deadwood. It inspired this little skit. (Note to those not familiar with Team Clay. Nick is Clay’s childhood friend and was his assistant and the one he says helps keep him in line if he were to let his celebrity go to his head. If you watch the American Idol 2 Wildcard night, you will see Clay’s friends Nick and Kristy in the friends and family area. Kristy is now the Chief Operating Officer of Clay’s charity (The Bubel/Aiken Foundation). Clay’s fame must be so surreal for these longtime pals too.

This skit isn’t surreal, it’s just silly. I realized I had to make some changes as Clay has apparently traded up his Volvo for a Mercedes. You’re Welcome, Clay. My Master Card bill shows me that I helped pay for that (and happily too!)



Paint Your Wagon..in Burberry

Clay and Nick pull into the Paramount movie set. Nick is holding a script that says Paint Your Wagon-The Remake.
Auditioning today are:

Clay Aiken as Pardner
Albert Finney as Ben Rumson
Brooke Burke as Elizabeth
Josh Groban as Rotten Luck Willie

Nick: So, who set up this audition?

Clay: Mah Management. It’s a Western and a musical and none other than Clint Eastwood is directing. Ah’m auditioning for “Pardner”, the part he played in the original movie.

Nick: But you can’t ride a horse!

Clay: Shhh, let’s keep that quiet for now. Ah’m sure Ah can learrrrrn. Besides, it has to be a lot easier than the other movie remake they wanted me to do.

Nick: Which one was that?

Clay: (shudders) Chariots of Fire

Clay parks the Mercedes. He and Nick enter studio 19 as instructed and they are directed to wardrobe where Clay changes into his outfit. He walks out and runs smack into Clint Eastwood.

Clint: Hey kid, we’re not ready for you yet. Why don’t…..what the hell is wrong with your feet?

Clay: Ah’m sorry?

Clint: Your spurs go in.the.back

Clay: Oops, turns feet around to normal position Ah was showing the ladies in wardrobe how Ah can….

Clint: Yeah, whatever kid. If you want to watch Brooke Burke’s audition she is shooting the breast feeding scene on that set over there.

Clay: (under his breath to Nick) Now, that’s what Ah call Family Friendly.

Clint: What? Speak up!

Clay: (stammering) Ah said everyone here has been so friendly.

Brooke finishes her scene and they prepare for the next audition scene with Albert and Clay. It is an outdoor scene.

Assistant Director: Get ready for the mud dance with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Clay: (panicked) Dance?? They never told me Ah had to dance!

AD: Relax Clay, your character is injured in this scene. You just have to pick up a drunken “Ben” after they finish singing Hand Me Down That Can of Beans.

Clay: Beans? Is there anything else Ah have to eat? Pulls out a slip of paper from his pocket Ah think you should know Ah’m severely allergic to shellfish, mush…..

AD: (rolling eyes) It’s a song! Why did we hire pop stars instead of actors?

They finish the scene. Clay goes into wardrobe to change into a clean costume.

Josh Groban is there getting the finishing touches on his fake moustache.

Clay: Hey, how are ya.

Josh: Clay! Great to finally meet you. Here we are, the baritone and the tenor. Congratulations on all your success. Who knows in a few years you could be as big as me. Perhaps if you write your own songs, you could get

Clay: (interrupting) . . .To Where You Are????…..

Josh: What? Oh yeah, funny. That’s the name of my song that LindaThompsonJenneralmostPresleyFoster wrote for me.

Clay: Yes, Ah’m sure she worked hard writing that*coughchecktothepublishinghousecough* song.

Clint: Where the hell is Groban?

Josh takes his place on the outdoor set, he starts to sing

Josh: Aaaa Waaaaaay Ooouuuuut Heeeeere.

Clint: Cut! Josh, this isn’t opera, why are you singing with so much, what’s the word?

Clay: Vibrato, he’s singing with too much vibrato.

Clint: That’s it. Don’t sing with so much vibrato. This guy is basically singing about how he hasn’t been laid in months.

Nick: (Whispering to Clay) Heh, how come they didn’t give this part to you, then?

Clay: (smacking Nick on the arm) Shows how much you know, Helmut Head. Do you really believe those stories of how Lisa is an early morning jogger and stops to use our bathroom on her route?

Nick: Sure, why not. I mean, she is all sweaty and every . . .(turns red). . . Ohhhh, never mind.

Clay gives Josh a thumbs up. Josh looks a little nervous but begins to sing, in a pure baritone this time.

Josh: A way out here, they got a name, for rain and wind and fire The rain is Tess, the fire’s Joe and they call the wind, Mariah.

A voice is heard off stage as a man walks onto the set.

Randy Jackson: Mariah? Did you people know that I single handedly made Mariah Carey a star?

Clint: (turning red with anger, gives Randy those beady Dirty Harry eyes.) What the….Get the hell off of my set!

Clay: (turns to Nick) Look . . . the script says Josh goes to steal a bunch of women so they can become saloon girls and hookers. Personally, Ah like hookers.

Nick: Look man. That line was funny once, two years ago. File it away with milk bottles and turkey basters, will ya?

Clint approaches Clay with the script

Clint: Clay, are you ready for your solo? I Talk To The Trees.

Clay: Ah wanted to talk to you about the lyrics to that song, sir.

Clint: Look, I had to sing this and so do you, even if the lyrics are insipid. begins to sing I talk to the trees, but they don’t listen to me.

Clay: No shii…kidding, but it’s not that. It’s just that here Ah am singing how Ah’m talkin to trees and shii…stuff and Ah just know mah fans are going to be upSET. starts talking in a whiny voice Oh sure, you talk to the trees, but do you talk to us?? Why can’t you write a message for your website while your skinny ass is sitting on that horse.

Clint: Look kid, the song stays. Any problems with that?

Clay: Can Ah ask you one more question?

Clint: What!

Clay: The script says Ah marrrrry Brooke but her character is still married to “Ben”.

Clint: The Wild West was rather lawless back then wasn’t it? If it makes you feel any better, she ends up choosing you and “Ben” leaves town.

Clay: (slams script book shut and yells) ACTION!

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4 comments:

The ConCLAYve-Nan said...

I can't wait for the time when Clay actually does appear in a film. I just know that he will. Hope he's really lucky enough to get a director as amazing as Clint Eastwood. Fun blog . . . Thanks for sharing.

Shell said...

I loved the script. I started laughing when you had Clay say To Where You Are???? to Josh.

Pink Armchair said...

Loved this! I'm a big movie buff, too...I'd love to see Clay do a really good movie musical (not that Justin to Kelly crap). The skit was great.

lizzybutts said...

This is just sooooo funny...wwell done!!! thank you!