Saturday, May 12, 2007

Clay and Kimmel ("The Climmel"): After the Horse

(Clay’s cell phone rings. He answers.)

Kimmel: Hey, Lucky Charms!

Clay: Heh. Well, y’know what they say about ‘em--

Both (singsong): "They’re magically delicious!" Yeahyeahyeahokaywhatever...

Kimmel: So, Clay -- I thought the "hoarse on a horse" bit worked pretty well.

Clay (smugly): ‘Course it did. After all, it was MAH ahdea. But didja rilly hafta bring up the horse’s...priapism?

Kimmel: Oh, aren't we fancy. Clearly, you've been watching Viagra commercials.

Clay: Well, ya practically had us pickin’ out a china pattern. An’ we only jest met. (sighs) That’s the gossip mill fer ya.

Kimmel: Don’t feel slighted or anything, but I think Taco was more of a camera whore than anything else. Anyway, it was a pretty clever way to get back at a certain blowdried radio tool.

Clay: Yeah. (sardonically) Speakin’ o' leprechauns...

Kimmel: ...wonder if anybody got it.

Clay: Well, ya kin bet HE didn’t.

Kimmel (laughs): Probably right. Oh, and Aida wants your number. Alexa, too.

Clay (grinning): You shore they didn’t mean the horse?

Kimmel: Nah, you still got it. Anyhow, we’ve come up with a couple of great ideas for the next time you’re on.

Clay: Uh huh. An’ when is that gonna be?

Kimmel: Well, when do you want it to be? I’m thinking at this point maybe we should get you your own dressing room.

Clay: Oh, the ratings were that good, huh?

Kimmel: Yeah, pretty good, and a couple of new sponsors are interested.

Clay: Rilly? Who?

Kimmel: Well, Sonicare for one.

Clay: Yay.

Kimmel: And the National Lime Board.

Clay: How ‘bout that. (shakes head, puzzled)

Kimmel: Okay, now to our ideas. First of all, I’m thinking next time we should fly you in.

Clay (patiently): Jimmy, ya always fly me in.

Kimmel: No, no -- I mean fly you in -- like, on wires.

Clay: Wait -- y’mean, like Peter Pan?

Kimmel: Hey! Great idea for a costume! I’ll call the wardrobe dep--

Clay (laughing): No, c'mon! Jimmy, no. What’s next? Wings an’ a halo? A tutu an’ a magic wand?

Kimmel (enthusiastically): Say, that’s--

Clay: NOT.A.CHANCE. Ah don’t need ta tell ya what the message boards’d say then. An’ anyway, Ah’ve heard those harnesses’re rilly uncomfortable. Ah’m not rilly innersted in bein’ a soprano...Ah’ll leave that ta Aida. Okay...that was lame.

Kimmel (wryly): I’ll say. Well, how about a big animal costume? Like a big fat frog? Or we could dress you up like a Disney character -- they’d love that. They've gotta have an extra Pinocchio costume lying around. 'Course, we could fix it so that something else grows -- y'know -- other than the nose, if you get my drift. (Clay is ominously silent) Ooh! Ooh! Or an astronaut! Then we could play the theme from 2001 and do a bit about steely-eyed manliness and moon rocks and “the right stuff” and--

Clay (somberly): Jimmy, kin Ah ask you a question?

Kimmel: Sure, buddy. Shoot.

Clay: How come Ah’m the one who hasta wear the costume? Why don’t you wear it next time?

Kimmel: ‘Cause I’m the host, and you’re the guest.

Clay: That’s a stupid excuse.

Kimmel: 'bout this one: I only wear a costume on Halloween.

Clay: Pretind it’s Halloween then. Or...wait! We could BOTH wear a costume.

Kimmel: might have something there! I could be Yogi Bear and you could be BooBoo. Or I could be George Jetson and you could be Elroy. Or I could be Batman and you could be Robin. Or I could be the Skipper and you could be Gilligan. Or I could be Sheriff Taylor and you could be Barney Fi--

Clay (snorts): Ya shore ya don’t mean Opie? Coss Ah’m pickin’ up on a theme here.

Kimmel: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Oh! I just thought of another one. (triumphantly) Superman and Jimmy Ol--

Clay (impatiently): --Y’know what, Jimmy? Ah’ve got a rilly radical ahdea. Now, Ah know it’s kinda out thayre, but--

Kimmel (eagerly): Oh, the more “out there” the better -- what is it?

Clay: Okay, listen up. Here's mah big ahdea: Ah could wear MAH.OWN.CLOTHES, an’ Ah could...git riddy fer it now...SING.

Kimmel: Hmmm. (long thoughtful pause) Could work.

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QBBabe said...

Thanks, Pink! The Climmel is truly one of the highlights of the Clay fandom! I seriously think that the next time Clay is on Kimmel, you should be there, too, as a special guest.

The ConCLAYve-Nan said...

"Okay, listen up. Here's mah big ahdea: Ah could wear MAH.OWN.CLOTHES, an’ Ah could...git riddy fer it now...SING.

Now that's a great idea!!! Love your skits Pink. It's so crazy that I hear their voices in my head when I'm reading them. Great job, as always.