Saturday, May 12, 2007
Clay and Kimmel ("The Climmel"): After the Horse
(Clay’s cell phone rings. He answers.)
Kimmel: Hey, Lucky Charms!
Clay: Heh. Well, y’know what they say about ‘em--
Both (singsong): "They’re magically delicious!" Yeahyeahyeahokaywhatever...
Kimmel: So, Clay -- I thought the "hoarse on a horse" bit worked pretty well.
Clay (smugly): ‘Course it did. After all, it was MAH ahdea. But didja rilly hafta bring up the horse’s...priapism?
Kimmel: Oh, aren't we fancy. Clearly, you've been watching Viagra commercials.
Clay: Well, ya practically had us pickin’ out a china pattern. An’ we only jest met. (sighs) That’s the gossip mill fer ya.
Kimmel: Don’t feel slighted or anything, but I think Taco was more of a camera whore than anything else. Anyway, it was a pretty clever way to get back at a certain blowdried radio tool.
Clay: Yeah. (sardonically) Speakin’ o' leprechauns...
Kimmel: ...wonder if anybody got it.
Clay: Well, ya kin bet HE didn’t.
Kimmel (laughs): Probably right. Oh, and Aida wants your number. Alexa, too.
Clay (grinning): You shore they didn’t mean the horse?
Kimmel: Nah, you still got it. Anyhow, we’ve come up with a couple of great ideas for the next time you’re on.
Clay: Uh huh. An’ when is that gonna be?
Kimmel: Well, when do you want it to be? I’m thinking at this point maybe we should get you your own dressing room.
Clay: Oh, the ratings were that good, huh?
Kimmel: Yeah, pretty good, and a couple of new sponsors are interested.
Clay: Rilly? Who?
Kimmel: Well, Sonicare for one.
Kimmel: And the National Lime Board.
Clay: How ‘bout that. (shakes head, puzzled)
Kimmel: Okay, now to our ideas. First of all, I’m thinking next time we should fly you in.
Clay (patiently): Jimmy, ya always fly me in.
Kimmel: No, no -- I mean fly you in -- like, on wires.
Clay: Wait -- y’mean, like Peter Pan?
Kimmel: Hey! Great idea for a costume! I’ll call the wardrobe dep--
Clay (laughing): No, c'mon! Jimmy, no. What’s next? Wings an’ a halo? A tutu an’ a magic wand?
Kimmel (enthusiastically): Say, that’s--
Clay: NOT.A.CHANCE. Ah don’t need ta tell ya what the message boards’d say then. An’ anyway, Ah’ve heard those harnesses’re rilly uncomfortable. Ah’m not rilly innersted in bein’ a soprano...Ah’ll leave that ta Aida. Okay...that was lame.
Kimmel (wryly): I’ll say. Well, how about a big animal costume? Like a big fat frog? Or we could dress you up like a Disney character -- they’d love that. They've gotta have an extra Pinocchio costume lying around. 'Course, we could fix it so that something else grows -- y'know -- other than the nose, if you get my drift. (Clay is ominously silent) Ooh! Ooh! Or an astronaut! Then we could play the theme from 2001 and do a bit about steely-eyed manliness and moon rocks and “the right stuff” and--
Clay (somberly): Jimmy, kin Ah ask you a question?
Kimmel: Sure, buddy. Shoot.
Clay: How come Ah’m the one who hasta wear the costume? Why don’t you wear it next time?
Kimmel: ‘Cause I’m the host, and you’re the guest.
Clay: That’s a stupid excuse.
Kimmel: Okay...how 'bout this one: I only wear a costume on Halloween.
Clay: Pretind it’s Halloween then. Or...wait! We could BOTH wear a costume.
Kimmel: Hey...you might have something there! I could be Yogi Bear and you could be BooBoo. Or I could be George Jetson and you could be Elroy. Or I could be Batman and you could be Robin. Or I could be the Skipper and you could be Gilligan. Or I could be Sheriff Taylor and you could be Barney Fi--
Clay (snorts): Ya shore ya don’t mean Opie? Coss Ah’m pickin’ up on a theme here.
Kimmel: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Oh! I just thought of another one. (triumphantly) Superman and Jimmy Ol--
Clay (impatiently): --Y’know what, Jimmy? Ah’ve got a rilly radical ahdea. Now, Ah know it’s kinda out thayre, but--
Kimmel (eagerly): Oh, the more “out there” the better -- what is it?
Clay: Okay, listen up. Here's mah big ahdea: Ah could wear MAH.OWN.CLOTHES, an’ Ah could...git riddy fer it now...SING.
Kimmel: Hmmm. (long thoughtful pause) Could work.
Posted by Pink Armchair at 2:55 PM