Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Clay and Kimmel (“The Climmel”): Dancing with the Stars

I wrote this skit about six weeks ago...since Clay is actually scheduled to make an appearance on the Dancing with the Stars finale tonight during Jimmy's skit, I figured it might be a good time to revisit it...

(On the screen, a colorful title card: Dance Along at Home…with Jimmy Kimmel. Cut to a close-up of a solemn Kimmel on the empty JKL set, in white tuxedo shirt and black bowtie.)

Kimmel: Last week, we demonstrated the passionate and percussive Paso Doble. Unfortunately, my usual partner, parking lot security guard Guillarmo, sprained his ankle attempting a triple axel-pas de deux, so I have a special guest partner this week. Please welcome my friend, pop superstar Clay Aiken.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Jimmy’s black tailcoat tuxedo. He crosses stage right to his DWTS set, where a puzzled Clay awaits him, wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey and holding a football.)

Kimmel: Clay…why aren’t you wearing the costume I put in your dressing room?

Clay: Jimmy, that was a dress. An’ you told me this was another piece fer Monday Night Football.

Kimmel: Clay, why would I tell you that? Football season doesn’t start till September.

Clay (annoyed): Ah know that! But that’s what you said. Ah thought you were jest filmin’ ahead o’ time.

Kimmel: Whatever. Now that you’re here, we’re supposed to demonstrate a ballroom dance.

Clay: A dance? (laughs) Yore kiddin,’ right?

Kimmel: Haven’t you seen this segment before?

Clay: Nope. An’ Ah think this was jest a cheap ploy ta git me in drag.

Kimmel (defensively): Well, you did play Cher once. You can't deny it –- I saw the video.

Clay: That was years ago. Ya couldn’t pay me ta dress up like that now. How wimmen kin stand wearin’ that pantyhose Ah’ll never know. (sighs, resigned) What’re we supposedta do?

Kimmel: Well, the way it works is, I show a diagram of a dance, and then we demonstrate it for the folks at home.

Clay: Demonstrate it, huh? But Ah cain’t dance. You know that.

Kimmel: Oh, you can too. Despite those gunboats. (indicates Clay’s enormous feet)

Clay (sighs heavily): What’s the dance?

Kimmel: The jitterbug.

Clay (thinking): Well. (shrugs) Ah’ll give it a try. But only if YOU wear the dress.

Kimmel: Uh UH. NO.WAY. (Camera cuts to extreme closeup of Kimmel) Okay. You ready?

Clay (off): Ah guess.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Kimmel in a 1940s-style dress, bobby socks and saddle shoes, and Clay in Kimmel’s black tuxedo. We see the jitterbug diagram on the wall in back of them. They assume a classic dance pose, we hear Glenn Miller's "Little Brown Jug" in the background, and Clay and Kimmel flail around in circles awkwardly, Clay tripping over his own feet. Forgetting that he's now playing the girl's part, Kimmel attempts to lift Clay off the ground in a jitterbug move. Clay doesn’t budge, and Kimmel suddenly grabs his lower back, ducks out of the frame and groans loudly. Closeup as Clay turns to the camera.)

Clay: Remember…

Kimmel (off, in obvious pain): …you don’t have to be a star to dance like one...

Clay (sardonic smile): But it shore helps!

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berkeley said...

Pink, that was freaking hysterical.

I only hope the "real" Climmel on DWT
S tonight will be half as funny.

QBBabe said...

Your version is just as funny as the one that actually took place last night. Now that Clay and Jimmy freely use the term Climmel, it is just a matter of time before they hire you as their script writer.