Saturday, April 28, 2007
Clay and Kimmel: Filling in for Larry King, the Sequel
Well, after seeing Jimmy Kimmel rip the paparazzi and Gawker Stalker's Emily Gould a new one a while back (and wasn't that great? -- who knew he had it in him?), I wondered what might happen if he was invited back to guest-host Larry King Live again, on another topic. I'm not saying I think it should unfold this way, necessarily, but it would certainly be interesting! (cue dream sequence music)
(Kimmel on the Larry King Live set, wearing a striped dress shirt, patterned tie, and coordinating suspenders. He addresses the camera.)
Kimmel: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Larry King Live. I’m Jimmy Kimmel, filling in for Larry. Again. Apparently, CNN got a lot of mail after the last time I was on, so God knows why but they’re giving me another shot. So if you don’t like the show tonight, write to them -- it’s all their fault. Tonight’s topic? Challenging crass comedians.
Speaking of whom, I’d like to welcome my guests...from a competing timeslot on a rival network which will not be named: Conan O’Brien (closeup of Conan, whose expression suggests that he’s been sandbagged) and “comedienne” Kathy Griffin (mock horror, then as much shameless mugging as her Botoxed face will allow). We did invite everybody’s favorite coffeeshop freeloader, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, to join us, but unfortunately right now he’s tied up in some litigation due to a little incident involving photoshop, a minor and a bottle of white-out. Maybe next time, Perez! If there IS a next time. We’ll also be joined by a special surprise guest.
Sooo...I guess I’ll just throw a general question out there and either of you can answer it, if you dare. What’s so entertaining about whether somebody’s gay or not? And if someone has clearly stated that they aren't gay, why can't you figure they know what they're talking about and leave it alone? And if somebody says their sexual orientation is nobody else’s business, why do you seem to disagree? Geez, I guess that was three questions! Anyway, what--
Conan (huffily): Nobody told my agent this was the topic. He said--
Kimmel: Really? Oh. Sorry about that. But since you’re here anyway, would you care to--
Conan: Not really. All I’m gonna say is I do what my audience likes. Bottom line...they laugh, the ratings go up, my sponsors are happy. Now excuse me while I fire my agent.
Kathy (stridently): I gotta weigh in on this. He’s right -- that’s what it’s all about. "My gays" laugh their asses off at my material -- I don’t care what anybody thinks as long as they think I’m hysterical. And they do. So there.
Kimmel: Okay, but what about the other 99.9 percent of the population? I mean...you know some of your stuff is in really bad taste. (to Conan) And YOU. Who used to write for The Simpsons, probably the funniest, smartest show on TV. And Saturday Night Live, which...well...USED to be. Isn’t this kind of a comedown for you, pandering to empty-headed frat boys?
Conan (meanly): Hey, I’m laughing all the way to the bank. And as far as I'm concerned, you’re a hypocrite -- didn’t you used to do exactly the same thing?
Kathy: Yeah, gimme a break! (sneers) When did you qualify for sainthood?
Kimmel: You know, you’re right. I was just as guilty of this as you are.
Kathy: Heh. Ain’t THAT the truth.
Kimmel: Yep, I freely admit it -- I made gay jokes with the best of ‘em. One day, though, I started looking around and realized that not only were a good number of the people I’ve met and worked with gay, but they were normal everyday folks who were good at their jobs, had families, etc. and the stupid jokes I was making were hurting them, limiting my audience, and making me look like a lowlife. And pretty soon, those jokes weren’t very funny to me anymore. And then I met one of the guys I’d been skewering -- somebody YOU (indicates Conan) and YOU (indicates Kathy) still make fun of regularly, and boy, was THAT an eyeopener. Speaking of whom--oh, willya look at that! It’s time for a break. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh? Stick around -- we’ll be right back.
(AFTER THE BREAK)
Kimmel: Okay, we’re back with Larry King Live. I’m Jimmy Kimmel, filling in for Larry, and tonight we’re with Conan O’Brien and Kathy Griffin, talking about how they feel about appealing to the lowest common denominator.
Conan and Kathy (outraged): HEY!
Kimmel (shrugs, resigned): Well. We have an addition to our panel...joining us via satellite from the local affiliate in Raleigh, North Carolina, please welcome pop superstar Clay Aiken. Clay, how’re you doing?
Clay: Ah’m good, Jimmy.
Kimmel: I’m here with Conan O’Brien and Kathy Griffin.
Clay: Oh joy. What, wasn’t Perez Hilton available?
Kimmel: As a matter of fact, no. He’s...um...tied up.
Clay (deadpan): Why am Ah not surprised.
Kathy (a patronizing whine): Hi, Claaaaay.
Clay (evasively): Mmmmwhatever.
Kathy (batting her eyelashes): Didja get the present I sentcha?
Clay: The feds warned you about that, Kathy.
Kimmel: So, we’ve been talking about why people make dumb unfunny gay jokes. Any comment on that, Clay?
Clay (thoughtfully): Well, Ah don't rilly know why, Jimmy...Ah guess since it has nothin’ ta do with me personally, Ah don’t rilly have an opinion on it, ‘cept it seems prejudicial, short-sighted, an’ mean-spirited. An’ it buys inta stereotypes, which is the kinda thang dumb, lowrent people do, y'know? Oops! Ah guess Ah DO have an opinion on it after all! (sardonic chuckle)
Conan: Oh, puhleeze! Clay, get real. If you’d just come out of the closet--
Clay (coldly): ‘Scuse me, Mister O’Brien...Ah don’t believe we’ve met. Mah name is Clay Aiken, an’ Ah’m a singer. An' a teacher, an' a UNICEF ambassador. Now, this is none o’ yore business, an’ not that it matters coss y’all’ll believe whatcha want to anyhow, an’ this is absolutely, positively, the LAST time Ah’m talkin’ ‘bout this, so LISTEN UP NOW: Ah’m straight.
Kathy (sarcastically): Yeah, riiiiight!
Clay (hard as nails): Well, 'course yore not gonna believe me, coss what would ya do fer a livin' then, ya parasite? What the heck would ya talk about? Ya might hafta hire some actual writers an’ try ta be...y'know...funny. Good luck with THAT one. Y’know, you oughta be payin’ me a commisson fer all the money you’ve made offa me. Ah’m gonna git mah lawyers workin’ on that one.
KImmel (surprised): Clay, I thought you said--
Clay (impatiently): Oh, stow it, Jimmy. Ah’m fed up. (to Conan, incensed) So you tell me, Woody Woodpecker, since yore such an expert -- how am Ah supposedta come out of a closet Ah was never IN ta begin with? An’ who are YOU ta define who Ah am? Only AH git ta do that. (sly smile) Ya wanna know what Ah think?
Conan (nonplussed): Uh, not--
Clay: --Ah think ya got some sorta weird obsession with me. Yep, some kinda sick fetish. Ah think yore rilly a Claymate, an’ it bothers you a lot. (Mah apologies ta you Claymates out thayre, but y'all know what Ah mean.) Conan, Ah'm thinkin' mebbe ya oughta git yoreself some help. That’s what Ah’d do if Ah were you. Ya rilly need ta stop lowerin’ yoreself with this crap.
Conan (furious): Are you cr--
Kimmel (interjecting): You probably oughta think about it, Conan. ‘Cause this guy? Can kick your ass.
Oh, what d’ya know about that? Time for another break. Conan and Kathy, thanks for joining us. It’s been...enlightening, that's for sure! When we come back, Clay here will demonstrate some chokeholds, and we’ll take some of your calls, here on Larry King Live.
(Many thanks to Fountaindawg for the photoshop, geekette for the original cap, and artquest for putting up that Kimmel video on YouTube.)
Posted by Pink Armchair at 10:57 AM