I knew eventually the time would come but it was still a little unsettling watching her pack up her belongings to begin this new adventure in her life.
Even though I knew it was inevitable, a bunch of different emotions ran through me. Sadness. A sense of freedom. I am pretty sure those emotions were running through her too. Change is always a little hard even if you say you want that change. Time moves forward - sometimes too quicky. Is she excited? Scared? I wouldn’t blame her for either feeling .
Did I do enough to help prepare her? Am a wrong or a terrible person to feel a little - relief?
How did someone get so many clothes in so little time? Oh, I know I added to it on birthdays and Christmas but I still shake my head. How was all of this going to fit in the smaller closet in her new room?
“Are you sure you need this?” I would ask, reminding her that she didn’t need to take everything right then. I wasn’t going to throw belongings left behind out in the street. “Oh yes” she assured me as I loaded it into the near-full van.
Books, tv, clothes, shoes, bedding and even a few small stuffed animals to sit on her new bed and to give her comfort in her new surroundings.
A little melancholy smile slipped out as I helped her load her cd’s and her boom box. We are two such different people, such different personalities. We are from different generations and yet we both have Clay Aiken cds in our collection. Do we like him for the same reasons? Hard to tell but something about his voice apparently makes us both want to listen. Oh, I know it is against some unwritten rule for parents/children to like the same singer but it doesn’t seem to be that uncommon when you look at fans of Clay. I think that is pretty neat, even if deemed not “cool” by those who resist finding some common ground at all costs.
I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, this actual move. I figured I would be ok if she was. I knew there would be some initial apprehension and some period of adjustment. Getting settled and making her space her “own” will take some time. I know I will have to adjust to not having her here even though I know it really was about time for both of us and even more importantly for our relationship. It will be different now but that is probably for the best. We need a different view of each other. Maybe now, our relationship can be more about choice.
Reaching a decision of this magnitude wasn’t easy of course. A lot of thought went into finding just the right spot. A place where her personality will be given a chance to shine and where she can be active and social. We talked about it quite a bit of course and I listened to what she had to say about where she wanted to be. She really isn’t too far away - certainly not such a distance where we will forget about each other.
So the time has come. We unload her stuff into her new room and she goes about the task of getting things organized. Amazingly, it all fits. I tell her to let me know if she needs anything, if she has forgotten anything. I am available to her even if she doesn’t need me as much any more now that she is in a new place, a different environment
I worry a little of course but everyone seems friendly and inviting. I know that this will be a good fit for her. She loves people and will make new friends quickly. That helps ease some of my apprehension. The social opportunities are plenty and even if shy at the beginning, I know she will come into her own and have something of herself to add before too long.
It is time for me to go. Will there be tears? Does she know I love her and always will? You think that it is a given but when you get to the point where you are leaving someone, you wonder. Did I say it enough? Will she remember? This isn’t the end by any means. Our relationship has changed before and this is just another chapter in her daily journal.
I know that when I listen to Clay cd’s, our common bond will be there and I will smile. Maybe we’ll be lucky and we can go to a concert together.
I hug her tightly. Call me if you need me.
Goodbye for now Mom. I love you.