BITE ME!

When I as a kid, I had the big Lauren Hutton gap between my front teeth. We're talking Grand Canyon here, even Evil Knievel couldn't jump that baby. I could suck spaghetti through it. (No, that was not a euphemism for anything.)

I finally got braces in the eighth grade to close it. After the braces, I had a retainer but my dog ate it. Honest.to.God. No, really. At the time, it was purely cosmetic but they felt as I got older, my teeth might have started to move. Even now when I eat corn on the cob, they push apart a little bit.

Lots of people have dental work done for all kinds of reasons, especially celebrities. And then there are those celebs who really should have dental work done. They have the time, the money and the motive.


So, in the interest of research for this blog while stuck at an airport, I googled “celebrity teeth” and similar keywords. Boy, was that a trip. I was astonished to find that one of the most picked on celebrities in the bad teeth column was Kirsten Dunst. So I checked her out. Looks like she forgot to take out the props from Interview with a Vampire.






Tom Cruise wore braces a few years ago to correct problems with his bite, supposedly diagnosed by his son's orthodontist. I think the guy just wanted to say he was Tom Cruise's orthodontist. Apparently Scientology allows metal in your mouth as long as you don't swallow it. I do believe a loose wire pushed through the roof of his mouth and short circuited his brain. On the other hand, he can probably pick up the air traffic controllers from Jupiter, where L. Ron Hubbard's body lies frozen.

This guy is Justin Hawkins from a band called the Darkness


His inspiration must have been this guy.






Then there is Steve Buscemi, a man who shows that image certainly isn't everything. Memo to Steve: Crest White Strips work great and you can get them with a coupon in your Sunday paper.



Clay Aiken appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show for Valentine's Day, his sixth appearance in 4 years. As usual, the comedic chemistry was first rate. Clay indicated that he had corrected a problem with his front teeth the day before as they were slanting inward. Here is a before and after.



The Zoom dentist must have stepped out of the office to take a call from his Porsche dealer and accidentally left the Zoom on the Zooooooom setting. As Clay pointed out, “they are blindingly white”.


He isn't kidding, here's a picture of his bathroom mirror.



Most fans love his new smile, a few prefer the imperfection of his old smile and small minority are afraid he's “gone Hollywood”. Yeah, the guy who left LA to move back to Mayberry has really gone Hollywood. Actually, it's my hope that he has gone Hollywood. I hope he's got opportunities with Hollywood television programs and Hollywood movies. The kind where the script calls for closeups and eye contact and kissing and..well, more kissing. (That Gabrielle Union chick that was on Kimmel that night too would do nicely. I liked her, she seemed very genuine.)

But in the end, it doesn't matter what I think about his mouth, it's HIS mouth. He may have done it for comfort, dental correction, cosmetic or all of the above. But he still smiles big and bright (very, very bright)

And he still sings like no other. Even when he only has a bowl of candy heart Valentine's candy for a muse.


For more Clay and Kimmel fun, see our other blog called Make Em Laugh.

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Clay Aiken
Lauren Hutton
Tom Cruise
Jimmy Kimmel
Steve Buscemi
Celebrity Teeth
Kirsten Dunst
Gabrielle Union

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